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When Parents Resist Necessary Care

By Nurse Next Door - Victoria, Cowichan Valley, Nanaimo, Parksville
Posted: Friday, April 30th, 2010

Is Your Parent Resisting Help at home (from someone other than you)?

Nearly one-quarter of the population on Vancouver Island is age 65 years or older. This means that there are MANY baby boomer adults looking after their parents locally. The two most significant results for families having to care for elderly parents are a reduction in income due to missed work and a significant increase in stress. Many families face these problems with surprise and shock but it is becoming increasingly important to recognize these issues in advance and plan for them.

One of the most common situations we encounter when a family member calls us about care for a parent is how to get their parent to actually be open to and accept care.

A common comment on the phone is, “We all know that mom/dad needs care now to remain at home, but she/he won’t accept someone coming in to the home.” Another common comment from a stressed daughter is, “Mom only wants me to help, and I’m feeling really stretched right now with all I’ve got going on in my own family and work life.”

There’s no other solution here…help is necessary. We just need to find the way to make it work for everyone involved. Especially your parents.

The resistance (from parents) to accept care in their home seems to come mostly from the idea that it represents a loss of independence. Think about it – the most traumatic events in a Senior’s life tend to be a major health issue, losing a driver’s license, and being forced to move out of their home. ALL signs of losing independence.

Digging one level deeper – it’s a loss of identity. A loss of the core element that says, “I know who I am”. People tend to identify themselves as “who they are” by their current life situation. If someone else is forcing a change in a Senior’s life situation, then that is a strong message to that Senior that independence is not just being lost - it’s being taken away!

So no wonder it’s a touchy subject. We should honour that and remember it when we’re having the discussion.

Let’s talk about a few ways that this touchy subject can be discussed so that a parent can accept care:

• In one word: Communication. There aren’t too many things that an honest and open discussion with all participants listening won’t solve. And if this approach isn’t getting us anywhere, we need to move forward with other ways.
• Seek the advice AND support of a trusted professional. A Physician can be your best ally in getting your parents to accept help. Go along with your parent to their next doctor’s appointment or have the doctor phone or write a note. The expert advice from the Physician (recommending care) will go a long way.
• Perhaps more practically, the expert advice provided in our free In-Home Assessment can be that expert opinion that a parent needs to hear. So often we find ourselves in the living room being told, “I just don’t need any help right now.” This is when the conversation needs to focus on getting the help accepted. Often times it works.
• Alternately, focus on you needing the help, not your parents. If you are very worried about your parents, getting stressed, and increasingly frustrated – perhaps your parents need to know that in an effective conversation. It might help them accept care.
• Take them on a tour of a nursing home as an alternative. If they don’t want to move it will give them a dose of reality.
• Start with just homemaking or meal preparation tasks. We have Caregivers who really enjoy cooking for others and tidying up the house. This can be a great way to introduce some help – with things like chores.
• Do it on a trial basis for 2-4 weeks, so that it’s easy to discontinue if it’s just not working for them. And compared to many homes these days, in-home care is less expensive too. It can cost as little as $50 each week.

We hope that you or someone you know will find this information helpful. We all tend to know someone who is helping a parent to be independent and safe. Many times the situation goes way too far before help is sought and a high amount of stress, pain and potentially life threatening injury from a fall at home can result.

Caring for our aging parents is one of the more challenging roles we undertake in our adult lives. However, with forethought, consideration and a little expert advice, it can actually lead to a much better arrangement for our loved ones.

For more information or a free In-Home assessment call 1.888.988.5880, or visit www.NurseNextDoor.com for more information.

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